Thursday, April 11, 2013

God's Plan>My Plan

 When I was younger, I can remember this one particular time during a basketball game.
I must have been around the 6th grade.
We were in the middle of an intense second half...
In all honesty, I can't even recall who we were playing against or
which team actually won the game. 
Isn't it funny when you look back at a game like that, 
and at the time, it was such a big deal, then years later
you can't even remember the details that were so crucial at the time?
However, the detail of the game that I do recollect was when
I jumped up for a rebound and I toppled right back down to the ground.
(I swear, my opponent pushed me.)
This really should come to no surprise,
I was pretty clumsy...still am.

Have you ever had those moments where the wind is knocked out of you?
 You felt like everything in your life was going so smoothly.
Sure, there were a few wrinkles here and there,
but certainly nothing that you were unable to iron out. 
I never expected to fall during that basketball game,
just like we never expect to stumble within our daily lives. 

I have been sitting here thinking about these moments an awful lot lately.
It's rather difficult to avoid making plans and thinking about your future, 
especially when you are a college student like myself.  
This same time last year, (I will be the first to admit) I was in a disheveled state.
Heartbreak does that to a girl. 
 I felt so hopeless.
Unwanted.
Inadequate.
  I told myself I'd never find anyone new.
Never be good enough.
Never be able to trust again. 
If I wasn't capable of being loved, 
I could be content living alone with an unconditionally loving puppy, right?

It took some effort and time, 
but the days soon turned into weeks, months,
then nearly a year had gone by.
The confidence began to slowly come back.
I was independent and content being on my own for the time being.
I was never looking for someone to fill that space in my heart.
It just happened.
I was running right along (literally),
when a friendly distraction came along. 
Wary from months before,
I had no expectations in the beginning.
One date?
I can do that.
If it works, it works,
if it doesn't, it doesn't.
What have I got to lose?

They say you find love in the most unexpected places--
the very last place you would ever think to even look.
I guess I believed that.
I still do.
I was beginning to find my own happiness before,
 but this seemed like the missing piece. 
I could finally complete my puzzle.
I felt beautiful, smart and appreciated again.
I could finally find balance in my life between my goals and leisure time.
I realized that I could pursue my dreams...
but I didn't have to go on that journey alone--
someone could hold my hand along the way.

Then the wind is knocked out of you.
Side swept, you didn't anticipate this.
You lie there, wondering if you were ever really good enough...
just like you weren't before...
yet you somehow hoped that your premonitions were inaccurate.
There you lie--unable to breathe.
"You're a beautiful, smart, and ambitious girl, but..."
But all you can hear is 
"I don't love you...
I've felt this way for awhile..."

 It hurts.
That's all there is to it.
To give your heart to someone
with the inability to receive the same in return--
you can't expect to feel anything but pain from such an experience.
And it's going to hurt for awhile.


It takes time, but eventually you are able to see that
God has much bigger and better plans for you.
It may have seemed like you had the world in your hands,
but God is going to give you the universe.

Eventually, you are able to get up again.
The wind knocked out of you begins to seem more like a slight breeze.
You can breathe again.
And you realize,
everything is going to be okay.


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3 comments:

  1. Oh how I have had so many of those moments. You're right-it literally feels like the wind has been knocked out of you. So often life has left me that way. I have always been so encouraged by Psalm 91, that I can find refuge and rest in God when the wind has been knocked out of me.
    XO

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  2. love your blog! super inspiring in my faith! you should follow me at http://foreverconvinced.blogspot.com/ :) new to the whole blogging scene! xo

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  3. lovely blog. new follower. thanks for sharing your heart!
    xo

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I love your kind words :)